Right now, I have a lot of annoyance within me. Or wait, is it frustration?

Whatever, it is. Why do I feel this way?

First, mum is not talking to me.

We had a little disargument yesterday. But the truth is, she started it.

I am glad dad was around to kind of soothen things. Everything just feel off at home right now.

...

I guess the biggest bother in my head right now, pertains to him.

Maybe I do like him more than I think I do. More than I consciously think I do.

And right now, all I want to do, is to retract whatever tentacles I have stretched out to hold him.

Charlie is right. When rationalism steps into affection, love will never blossom.

Because we need rash-ness to make a relationship work out.

...

On the other hand, (as with all things, there are always two conflicting sides), it is a good thing he was so rationale.

Because otherwise, the person who is hurt in the end is definitely me.

...

There is nothing wrong about the things he said, or the way he said. Absolutely nothing.

It just didn't feel right. To me.

In other words, as I hear him say them, he becomes so surreal.

And I realise, probably I have never known him.

I have always stuck him in this framework. In my boundaries of what I think he is.

Which yes, makes him attractive.

Yes, in this pre-supposed framework, he is attractive.

So when he fails my expectations--as he has, and is doing every moment, now--he loses his charm.

Everything just falls apart like a shattered mirror.

And I can't see his image anymore.

...

He asked me if he did piss me off with what he said. Was I turned off?

Oh no, obviously not.

I am just shocked. Can I emphasize the extent by spelling it out? S-H-O-C-K-E-D it is.

And maybe a little amused by my ignorance.

Here I was, thinking all the time, could we become a pair?

There we are, squabbling over the mini-est matters not even of relevance to him.

The last squabble, it was over money.

I have to admit, that got me a little disappointed already. And I thought I kind of understood why Cupid didn't shoot arrows to us.

Until this clash of values is solved, we will never make it.

If we went ahead, we will just become another one of those couples who quarrel day and night because of money.

Which is the last thing I ever want to happen to me.

...

As of now, despite how he tried to convince me how similar we are, I regard that clash of vlaues as never resolved. It still stands outstanding.

And seriously, I don't expect it to be. Ever.

The concept of money is an inherent concept which will never be overriden unless you yourself want to.

And now, this. This episode of surreality.

I don't know what goes through his head. I don't know what he thinks about.

He says he will not say it if I am turned off.

It is not a matter of whether you say it or not. The fact is, you think that way. No matter you say it or not, that is how you think.

Which I find it hard to accept.

...

I am letting go.

Because I see him for the first time, and I can't, sadly, accept what I see.

Maybe that is what is hurting me. The acknowledgement that I have to let go.