I really wish I could make you eat your words one day.

I say I really wish because I am also not sure if I can do it in the end.

But you make me sick. You are downright disgusting. You suck big time. Big time.

Being trained to dance for so many years doesn't give you the right to look down on anyone.

What is it with you guys??

So what if you can do seven pirouettes? Splendid grand Jetes? Unwaving at your Chaines?

So what? So what if you are better than me? It doesn't give you the right to look down on me.

And don't say I am being sensitive because I know I am not.

If it is just a one-off, then maybe, yes, I am the one being paranoid.

But hey, it is so god-damn obvious. You go around correcting EVERYONE's posture except mine when I also need adjustments.

You didn't bother telling me I need to press my shoulders down and Z had to tell me that when she isn't even the teacher.

Really, you suck big time.

Although yeah, I have a problem too. I dance so badly that give dance a bad name.

Probably that is what irks you. You wonder why I am here.

Just like what I sometimes wonder, too.

But it doesn't bother me. Although yes, as I write right now, it still does irk me a little but I will get by.

...

One day, I will make you wish you had treated me better.

One day, I will make you wish you had been less arrogant.

One day.

I know by thinking like this, I am doomed for failure.

The universe doesn't work like this. I know it doesn't.

But then again, I can't control the very fact that I have this thought. I feel like I am sinning when I have this thought and time and again, I try my best to suppress it but it just comes back to haunt me again and again.

How do I silence this voice?

...

Never mind if I set myself up for failure by thinking like this.

Never mind if the universe is out to prove me wrong for the very fact that I think like this.

Never mind everything!

And so I tell you and myself,

my most inner self, that,

One day...I shall be better than all of you.

*pointing to each one of you who has so failingly been supportive which comes across as mere mockery*

Wait, maybe I am just jealous.

*shrugs my shoulders*

You, you, you and you.

One day in the near future, I shall become a much better dancer than all of you.

One day, I shall be able to achieve more things you ever imagined I could ever do.

Just you watch and see.

Just you wait.

I think to a certain extent, I am still pretty self-centered when it comes to this relationship.

The fact is, I know you have sacrificed a lot for me, and that is why I convinced myself to not brood so much on it.

But I mean, once again, I would be lying if I say I am not disappointed.

...

Initially, it was that we couldn't go to Taiwan.

That got me disappointed. But we made up with going to Malacca.

Now, we can't go to Malaysia.

Although you promised that we will definitely get somewhere; it is just a matter of time.

But I don't know if it will happen.

I mean, I think it will happen but I am kind of disturbed by the fact that we can't put a definite date to it.

...

I hope we can get to go somewhere, as you promised.

No la, I do not doubt you. I am just sad that it can't happen on my birthday.

Or before my birthday, during that window period when I am free.

Oh well, like I say, maybe this is what we mean by sacrifice and submission.

=)

I realize I have been full of annoyances lately.

Is the problem lying with me?

Highly likely, I think.

...

When she threw at the door, I felt disappointment. And anger.

I wouldn't do such things.

Even when I was angry.

And I am reminded of the incident when she threw the red packet of money at me, ranting "I don't want it!"

Is this how she is? Should I be just taking it down like that?

No, no. When I say take it down, I don't mean that I want revenge or anything.

It is just that I don't think I deserve this.

I think I deserve better.

I do not deserve to be shouted at and cursed when it is not my fault.

Nor do I deserve to be subjected to cynicism and sarcasm.

And no, I don't have an enlarged ego.

In contrast, I am working on my ego because I have so little of it.

So little that everyone capitalizes on it and bullies me as a result.

...

You know, I have always thought the world is a nice and happy place.

But as I have found out after this commitment, it is not the case.

And actually, at home, there is already a classic case. I just hadn't taken notice.

I guess it is partly my fault that I didn't get good genes and hence can't look pretty.

But then I can't control the fact if you choose to be skin-deep and judge a person based on the way he/she looks.

Does it bother me?

Yes, I have to admit.

But at the end of the day, I realize it is better that way.

Because our paths won't need to cross too much and I wouldn't need to bother too much with you.

You can be selfish all you want. I don't care.

All I need to, and will, do, is to keep my distance from you.

But there are so many of you. That makes me scared.

...

One year later, I will leave the house.

I don't know where I will go but I will.

I don't know where I can go, but I will.

They always say resolutions work better when you write it down.

Apparently, it is because by writing down, you are making a conscious intention to remember it.

Oh well. I am not sure if I subscribe entirely to that saying, but I figured I could just try it anyway.

...

I am taking up for the Pole Dance and Exotic Dance classes.

Are you surprised? Are you asking 'Why'?

I am surprised too, to be honest.

As to 'why', I guess it is because I feel that I can finally try to do it.

Previously, I was very shy of myself. I was very unsure of myself, my body, my capabilities.

But even so, I had always thought pole dancing was cool. And I mean cool in bold letters.

I just didn't dared to take it up because I felt it was too 'unlike' me.

The "I" I have always known is a decent and proper girl. She is crazy and laughs hysterically. She is anything you can call except a lady.

And so, how would this image coincide with a sensuous lady?

Well, I don't think it did. In fact, I think they are kind of incongruent.

But the truth is, I am still unsure of myself. I am still doubtful of myself.

However, I still want to give it a shot.

Who am "I"? I don't know.

I mean, yes, I am a decent and proper girl. And I can be crazy and laugh hysterically.

But I can also be sensually appealing, I think.

Or perhaps I should say, I want to give myself a chance to look like that.

I mean, if I don't give myself a chance, I would never know if I could be like that, right?

We all need to transform ourselves at one time or another.

...

I guess at the end of the day, I finally decide to take up the two classes largely because Alex DeSilva once said this in "So you think you can dance"

It is easy to teach a dancer to count. It is not easy to teach a dancer to be sexy.

And I might as well start learning to do that, right.

A dancer does not give up.

That was what Nigel said in one of the episodes.

And until they recaptured a few scenes from the previous episodes just now, I had not remembered it.

A dancer does not give up.

No matter how bad he is.

No matter how technically depraved he may be.

No matter how hard he is struggling.

A dancer does not give up.

Do I want to be a dancer? Am I a dancer?

...

Yes.

Yes. I want to be a dancer.

I am a dancer.

So I shan't give up.

I won't give up.

Whatever I am doing now, I am doing it for myself.

For myself.

Only for myself.

I saw an audition notice.

For the first time, I actually want to sign up for it.

I guess, after I saw her dance the other day, I wanted to look like her.

But no, I didn't.

Because damn it, I have tuition classes on that day. If only it were a day later!

It is very irritating. At moments like this.

I can grumble on and on...what else can I do?

I guess at the end of the day, I need money. I need money to maintain my living expenses. That is undebatable. That is unavoidable.

...

What do I want to achieve for this year?

Confidence. Confidence when I am dancing.

Confidence on the floor.

And being able to look good too.

And sexy.

And alluring. *blows a kiss*

...

Now, styling is more important.

Can I do it?

I can, I can. I know I can. I believe I can.

Just do it, man.

Just put down my humility and do it!

...

Now, let me just work towards the two scholarship auditions at the end of the year.

Never mind if I didn't get it. I mean, when I sign up, I don't expect to get it, in the first place.

But it is a necessary phase that I must go through if I am serious.

And yes, I am serious.

...

Long live dreams.

I am not sure if he meant what he said the way I thought he meant.

But seriously, I think he said something like, "I just want to be able to make you happy."

And I, even in my utter astonishment, can only say "orh".

That is the bad thing about him. He tends to give people the wrong signals.

He tends to mislead people. Or at least, me.

Wait. Maybe it is because only I get misled. The others don't.

Oh well.

...

When he said it, I...was thinking...it sounded so familiar.

Yes, he once said it to me before. And I suppose, when he said it, that moment, he had meant it.

Of course, no one can fault him for the change in events. For the change in fate.

Fate. It is an inexplicable thing.

It is an elusive thing too.

...

...

I do like him, as a matter of fact.

More than I can imagine, too.

But...I have told myself time and again...until I am sure of what he thinks, I don't want to be imprudent.

I have grown out of the phase of recklessness and rashness.

All I am looking for now is a guy who I am confident can take care of me.

Never mind anything else.

I just want a man who I know I can rely on. And will cherish me no matter what happens.

And yes, you have my word that I will love him as much as I can.

Or at least, I will try.

...

We have been talking a lot these few days.

On CNY's eve, we were chatting.

We met on the 1st day of CNY.

We talked again on the second day of CNY.

I don't know...but I am falling faster than I can check myself, and that makes me scared.