I saw an audition notice.

For the first time, I actually want to sign up for it.

I guess, after I saw her dance the other day, I wanted to look like her.

But no, I didn't.

Because damn it, I have tuition classes on that day. If only it were a day later!

It is very irritating. At moments like this.

I can grumble on and on...what else can I do?

I guess at the end of the day, I need money. I need money to maintain my living expenses. That is undebatable. That is unavoidable.

...

What do I want to achieve for this year?

Confidence. Confidence when I am dancing.

Confidence on the floor.

And being able to look good too.

And sexy.

And alluring. *blows a kiss*

...

Now, styling is more important.

Can I do it?

I can, I can. I know I can. I believe I can.

Just do it, man.

Just put down my humility and do it!

...

Now, let me just work towards the two scholarship auditions at the end of the year.

Never mind if I didn't get it. I mean, when I sign up, I don't expect to get it, in the first place.

But it is a necessary phase that I must go through if I am serious.

And yes, I am serious.

...

Long live dreams.

I am not sure if he meant what he said the way I thought he meant.

But seriously, I think he said something like, "I just want to be able to make you happy."

And I, even in my utter astonishment, can only say "orh".

That is the bad thing about him. He tends to give people the wrong signals.

He tends to mislead people. Or at least, me.

Wait. Maybe it is because only I get misled. The others don't.

Oh well.

...

When he said it, I...was thinking...it sounded so familiar.

Yes, he once said it to me before. And I suppose, when he said it, that moment, he had meant it.

Of course, no one can fault him for the change in events. For the change in fate.

Fate. It is an inexplicable thing.

It is an elusive thing too.

...

...

I do like him, as a matter of fact.

More than I can imagine, too.

But...I have told myself time and again...until I am sure of what he thinks, I don't want to be imprudent.

I have grown out of the phase of recklessness and rashness.

All I am looking for now is a guy who I am confident can take care of me.

Never mind anything else.

I just want a man who I know I can rely on. And will cherish me no matter what happens.

And yes, you have my word that I will love him as much as I can.

Or at least, I will try.

...

We have been talking a lot these few days.

On CNY's eve, we were chatting.

We met on the 1st day of CNY.

We talked again on the second day of CNY.

I don't know...but I am falling faster than I can check myself, and that makes me scared.

I have been having conflicting thoughts about him.

Well, the truth is, I don't deny I like him. And that I like talking to him. And that I like it when we are together.

But I can't deny the fact that his insensitivity towards certain issues irks me.

I don't think it is a big issue. It is not that big an issue, seriously.

It is just that I can't help wondering if it will become the very thing that drives us apart.

...

We have very different backgrounds. I can't deny it.

He stays in a condo. Well equipped with anything you may ever need.

I stay in a three-roomed flat. I don't have an air-conditioner, a washing machine. I don't even have a VCR, or a water-heater.

That alone sets us apart already, although I do admit it is not that huge a difference.

...

And then he is brought up in this very sheltered environment with loving parents.

Mine is a complicated story intewtwined with monetary difficulties and psychological pressure.

So everytime he talks to me with the sort of advice-giving mode, it irks me.

The thing is...he is not even in my shoes. He probably hasn't even such experiences. So why take like he can give advice?

This hasn't happened once only. It has occurred many times in fact.

And everytime without fail, I just get so pissed.

...

Shall I tell him?

What do I say when I tell him?

Why should I tell him?

Oki...I mean to say, does it matter whether I tell him?

...

I don't know. I only know that I am pissed.

And I don't know if there will ever be a day I am not.

Nor do I know if this feeling of being pissed will one day override my feelings for him.

I guess you call that physical attraction.

And physical attraction means the feeling will go off very quickly.

...

Oh well. I have always taken notice of him la, put it that way.

He is the kind of guy I will fall for because he just fits that template of a guy I will fall for.

=)

We were dancing Bachata halfway when he stopped. He said he needed to take a phone call.

And he left. Just like that.

So sad, right.

He grabbed me for a Salsa later. Halfway I left because they were beginning the celebrations.

And finally, we did a Merengue. Yes, we finished it.

I like the feeling of being held close to him. I like his smell. I like his touch.

All right. This is a sign that I am infatuated.

Awwwww...

His hands are the warmest I have felt. As he tucked his hands around my waist, it is just ... a very nice feeling.

Really!

All right. Get a grip. I am losing my breath.

D was talking to me before the trial class today. She asked if I was still interested in Jazz.

I told her as a matter of fact that I was, it is just that I couldn't make it for the days as of now.

And then she asked me about my lyrical Jazz class that day. I said it was difficult but I still wanted to do it. I said I will probably sign up for the next class.

She actually could remember I am doing hip hop with them as well.

And then at some point in the conversation, I told her I was doing yoga.

Before I knew it, I was telling her my intention to become a professional tap dancer, and that I was doing all that I can to build myself up now.

She was quite intrigued and she was actually very supportive!

And then guess what. She said the weirdest thing. She said I am actually quite good at Jazz. She said she had seen me in class and I looked good.

Huh? Are you serious?

...

I didn't go for the audition in the end.

I had thought about it long and hard. Really.

And yes, I do admit that I had really thought I could just go and enjoy the experience.

But I realize, no, I just couldn't--at least not now--put my ego on the line.

I will go, one day, the one day I am good enough, the one day I feel I am good enough.

And it is not like it will not come. I can feel it already. Although I do really wonder if I am imaging it, or is it really happening?

...

Sometimes I forget why I am doing it.

And then at the end of the day...I remember.

And then however other people think doesn't matter anymore. Because I just need to enjoy the process and the fact that this is my life and I call the shots.

Give me another 6-8 months. I will show you what i have become.

I will, if you have the patience to wait.

I finally signed up for Spanish class.

Yes, I know signing up and completing it are two different issues, but my point is, I have made that first step.

And taking that first step is critical to completing the walk, isn't it?

...

I am actually feeling quite happy about my life right now.

Even though, yes, I am disgruntled sometimes. Like now, I am disgruntled that I am working my weekend away and spending so much money on electricity.

(Come on lo, the laptop runs on electricity right. And I run it the whole day to do the stupid processing...)

And I am disgruntled that I am working on a weekend.

And I am unsettled when there seem to be so many schedule clashes. Like tuition and work. Like yoga and tuition.

But I am still happy.

I guess I am happy because I feel I am leading a life exactly the way I want it to be.

Yoga. Dance. Work. Friends. Language.

...

Sometimes, I cannot help but feel that leaving L was the best thing that ever happened to me.

If not for the fact that we parted, I would have lost my individuality.

And it is precisely because we parted that I love myself so much now.

=)

My latin Rumba class is starting next Wednesday. God. I can't waut.

I don't know what to write about. Should I be writing about how slack I still am, or how I am exploring new directions in my life?

...

What's in a year?

A year is 12 months, 365 days. 365*24 hours, and 365*24*60 miniutes.

What can one do in a year?

Well, I don't know. I have always thought a significant amount of things can be done, if one were to really put your heart into it.

Come to think about it. I have been doing Salsa for a year plus already.

So has I been doing Swing.

And I have stopped taking Salsa classes. So...what am I doing in Swing classes?

Yesterday when S was correcting me on my triple steps, I seriously was wondering how come my basic footwork was so screwed up.

S claimed it could be my tap influence.

Eh...well, B doesn't have this problem, so I really don't think.

Really really.

Anyway, the usual gang has stopped coming. A, E, C.

And more often than not, I feel so lonely.

*sigh*

I was thinking...I may stop going for classes for a while after SEA Jam.

It is not that I don't enjoy Swing anymore. It is just that--as with the same reason why I didn't take up the Rueda Fun Workshop--it is time to move on.

...

I don't like the fact that I am not taking time out to practise.

I feel very irritated with myself about that.

And you know what, I am supposed to make the effort to practise one hour of dance everyday.

It is not happening, and today is the 6th already.

...

If I don't make the effort now, I will never make the effort.

Hello? What am I doing?

Hello? What do I want to achieve? Am I really like what R has said, I just want to do many tricks?

...

No no. I don't want to know only tricks.

...

I am taking up Spanish classes soon. And next week, I am signing up for Latin Rumba.

Am I happy?

Yes, I think so.

And I realized, I could always be a part-time student, as long as I can finish my work in time. It is not a big deal.

Or at least, that is what I think.