I think one big reason why I don't improve is because I don't practise. And the reason why I don't practise is because I have no discipline. I am speaking with reference to my dancing.

And so one major agenda for the 2-week leave is to get some serious dance practise.

I started on it today. I was supposed to start on it yesterday but I eh, didn't discipline myself.

*tsk tsk*

Anyway, it is a different thing to know your steps and practise them versus practising your steps and reviewing how you look.

I saw the difference today.

My god.

Only after I have looked at myself did I realize the teacher was actually talking about me last week.

"Watch out for those loose arms. Brace them with power! I want strong arms!"

And I have kept assuming he was NOT talking about me.

Argh. God.

I realize it was a difficult problem to rectify. There is something about my arms. I am not exactly sure what it is. I think it is the fact that they swing loosely, and they are not strong enough in executing the figures.

...

It is very easy (and tempting) to just shake my head in dismay and disappointment and lament that I can't continue dancing because I am just so bad at it.

But I will not do it.

I will endeavour and attempt more practices like this. Practising and self-reviewing.

I will not give up until I get better.

All I need to do right now is to become more disciplined to practise two hours a day!

I never knew I could be so lazy.

When I saw him again last night, I was very sure I made the right choice.

I guess that was half the reason why I stayed till he came.

Time and again, I have wondered if I made a wrong decision in not accepting him.

Time and again, especially when I am feeling lonely, I wonder if I should have given us a chance

Time and again, I am constantly reminded about how nice he is, and how much he will dote on me.

Time and again. I think about his many virtues.

Time and again. Time and again.

I have never been able to let the past go, I think. Somehow, I have kept a tight hold onto it.

Until I saw him last night.

Or maybe I have always known. I just wanted to reconfirm my beliefs.

When I saw him last night, I know I have made the right choice.

Whatever I have imagined to be possible in my head were merely acts of the imagination.

There is no way I can ever get him to connect with me on the intellectual level.

If we come together, it is not something that can last. Because essentially, we don't have the same beliefs.

He wants stability. He wants to climb up the ladder.

I want constant change. I am contented if I have my spiritual needs fulfilled.

We are on different planets.

And I think I can finally let it go. Because last night, I was truly disappointed.

"Now you have got the steps. Now put feeling into doing it." That was what Tracie told me last night.

That sound so familiar.

Initially, I couldn't master the steps. I just, no matter what, didn't seem to be able to swing left, right, left. I thought I looked funny.

All the time the others went through the step, my body hiccuped between the 3rd and the 4th set of eigths.

I found myself amusing as I looked in the mirror, and I dared say, that was one reason why I kept not being able to do it.

Until I thought...(and Wanzhen later affirmed that thought),

I just need to keep doing it until this fine point when I will look ok.

No, it is not a magical moment. It is just that with practice, your muscles gain enough memory to be able to execute the action properly.

And it is just that the reflection after my first class: If I keep telling myself I look funny, I will always look funny.

Isn't it?

And if I am determined not to look funny, and I practise enough to make sure I don't look funny, I shouldn't look funny.

Or so I would believe.

We did kicks last night, in addition to turns. Cindy said my kicks were nice.

That is a morale booster!

Next week, we are going to do turns. Oooo, I can't wait!

It feels good to be working towards a dream. It feels good to know where you are heading.

It is scary that I have this mindset.

I want to get married. I really do.

I don't know, but when I heard from E--who is only 26--his intention to settle down soon, I started to harbor the same intention too. So much about peer pressure, huh?

Maybe it is because marriage is the only way I can get to experience sexual intercourse, which I have heard, is supposedly good.

...

The statistics show that youngsters these days are having sex at an earlier age. And they are doing it with more people.

Whose fault is it? The youngsters themselves? The media for spreading the wrong message? Their parents for not cultivating the proper values of modesty?

What about you? Are you one who will stay chaste until your marriage? And do you need your partner to be a virgin too?

...

I used to be very physical with my ex-, but no no, we never did that.

There were a few times I thought we almost did, but I am glad we kept each other in check. I really cannot imagine what I would become if I have a child with me. I probably couldn't have finished university, and we probably would have had to get married.

(Gosh. I just cannot imagine that.)

That period of time, we just had lots of body contact, which till now, I am not sure, if it was that that kept us together for 5 years, or was it love itself?

Frankly, if it had been the former, it would have been such a shame. It would have been such a shame that I am loved not for being me, but for my body.

Which is now, I tell myself, I will never get into that state again for my future relationships.

But you know the amazing thing is, I have never known sexuality until I met him. So I guess it was not all a bad thing, after all.

I went for my first Jazz dance class just now.

I said first even though I had done a little Jazz before. Because back then, I was barely scratching the surface.

(I am feeling a little hyper now. Part of it stems from the class, I suppose.)

I have never successfully commit myself to any Jazz class. I guess it was because, before I even try the movement, I have already told myself I looked funny. That way, I ended up stopping myself from even trying it out. Why did I do that? ...because I could never imagine myself dancing it.

My mind stopped me.

But today, I told myself to give myself a chance.

I told myself not to belittle myself. I told myself to just try it out.

I told myself to just let it all go.

And you know what? I feel satisfied.

I didn't do it beautifully though. My double time Jazz walks were quite terrible. My choreography was kind of screwed up.

But I am still happy because I tried. I practised when I wasn't sure. I asked.

...

I told myself, I shan't give up.

If I am going to give up, why did I sign up for Jazz in the first place?

Why? Why? Why?

...Because I wanted to become a better dancer, didn't I?

...Because I wanted to brush up my techniques, didn't I?

...Because I wanted to work towards my dream, didn't I?

...Because I wanted to try out for the Scholarship next year, didn't I?

So until I have improved, I will not stop Jazz.

...

It feels good to be working towards something you have envisioned yourself to become. That sense of satisfaction--ahhhh--is just wonderful.

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter whether you get to the end destination. I mean, who doesn't want to get there? But what is more important is that you have started along to achieve what you want to become.

Now playing: Ken Hirai HitomiWoTojite

I finally sorted out my thoughts. Ok, maybe they are not sorted. They are just slightly unraveled.

Why was I so frustrated?

Because...

Because...

Because...I feel that I really don't know this guy one bit. This guy that I think I kind of have some affection for.

And if I don't know him, how can I like him?

I must be out of my mind. I must be.

...

And guess what. Charlie could tell who this chap is.

Isn't he just amazing?! His perceptive ability took me by surprise.

But well, I would have expected him to know anyway. If we were to exchange positions, and I witness a similar situation, I would probably have thought as he had thought.

We look at things the same way. There is no doubt about it.

...

At the end of it, I don't even know what I should do about it.

I think, if I just let things take its course, as I have been doing all along, we have potential. I really think we do.

I don't know if we will make a great pair though.

But...the way it is, I cannot help but wonder,

maybe it is narcissism I am experiencing. Maybe all along, I am in love, with myself.

Which is extremely ironic because I don't love myself. Not one bit.

But seriously, all along, I have only seen him the way I thought he is. And it is only now that I realize, I know so little about him.

Which makes me crushed.

But where do I take it off from here?

...

I haven't figured that out.

Right now, I have a lot of annoyance within me. Or wait, is it frustration?

Whatever, it is. Why do I feel this way?

First, mum is not talking to me.

We had a little disargument yesterday. But the truth is, she started it.

I am glad dad was around to kind of soothen things. Everything just feel off at home right now.

...

I guess the biggest bother in my head right now, pertains to him.

Maybe I do like him more than I think I do. More than I consciously think I do.

And right now, all I want to do, is to retract whatever tentacles I have stretched out to hold him.

Charlie is right. When rationalism steps into affection, love will never blossom.

Because we need rash-ness to make a relationship work out.

...

On the other hand, (as with all things, there are always two conflicting sides), it is a good thing he was so rationale.

Because otherwise, the person who is hurt in the end is definitely me.

...

There is nothing wrong about the things he said, or the way he said. Absolutely nothing.

It just didn't feel right. To me.

In other words, as I hear him say them, he becomes so surreal.

And I realise, probably I have never known him.

I have always stuck him in this framework. In my boundaries of what I think he is.

Which yes, makes him attractive.

Yes, in this pre-supposed framework, he is attractive.

So when he fails my expectations--as he has, and is doing every moment, now--he loses his charm.

Everything just falls apart like a shattered mirror.

And I can't see his image anymore.

...

He asked me if he did piss me off with what he said. Was I turned off?

Oh no, obviously not.

I am just shocked. Can I emphasize the extent by spelling it out? S-H-O-C-K-E-D it is.

And maybe a little amused by my ignorance.

Here I was, thinking all the time, could we become a pair?

There we are, squabbling over the mini-est matters not even of relevance to him.

The last squabble, it was over money.

I have to admit, that got me a little disappointed already. And I thought I kind of understood why Cupid didn't shoot arrows to us.

Until this clash of values is solved, we will never make it.

If we went ahead, we will just become another one of those couples who quarrel day and night because of money.

Which is the last thing I ever want to happen to me.

...

As of now, despite how he tried to convince me how similar we are, I regard that clash of vlaues as never resolved. It still stands outstanding.

And seriously, I don't expect it to be. Ever.

The concept of money is an inherent concept which will never be overriden unless you yourself want to.

And now, this. This episode of surreality.

I don't know what goes through his head. I don't know what he thinks about.

He says he will not say it if I am turned off.

It is not a matter of whether you say it or not. The fact is, you think that way. No matter you say it or not, that is how you think.

Which I find it hard to accept.

...

I am letting go.

Because I see him for the first time, and I can't, sadly, accept what I see.

Maybe that is what is hurting me. The acknowledgement that I have to let go.