What is that feeling?

...

...

No. I don't think I like him. I really don't think so.

But somehow, I am saddened by the fact that I won't be seeing him anymore.

Maybe, at the bottom of my heart, I am infatuated with him. Or rather, infatuated with his charisma. Infatuated with his style.

...

I thought I was very clear about what I was searching for.

I thought I was searching for...a person who understands me thoroughly. Who can know what I am thinking by my mere mannerisms. Who can give me solitude when I need to. Who knows about the world and can teach me things.

Who...

can give me a sense of security.

But somehow, I start to wonder if that was really what I was looking for.

Maybe not for now, at least? Maybe for someone to walk with me for life, yes.

He can give me security. But the feeling is not there anymore.

The feeling that is intense. That is overwhelming. That makes you breathless.

I have lost that feeling with him.

I am not sure if I can ever recapture that feeling. One thing I am sure though is,

if I ever have to choose between two guys (if I am ever so lucky to have a choice) one who gives me love, and the other gives me security,

I think I will trade love for security.

I think I can live with someone whom I don't love. But I can't live with someone whom I love but I don't feel secure with.

My instincts have been so accurate lately that they make me shudder in fear sometimes.

But really, I am left wondering often, was whatever I "saw" a gut instinct or a visualisation?

I don't know.

But guess what. When I attended Jy's wedding last Saturday and I saw him as my groom (that sounded so weird, but yes, that is it), I was shocked.

Shocked because I think he would be the last person on Earth I would want to marry.

And I don't even think I like him. Not even a tiny winy bit.

All right. I have to confess. I find him cute. Yes, he is charming.

And yes, he has got the boyish looks and is the kind of guy I would be physically attracted to.

But physical attraction and marriage are tons apart.

You can be physically attracted to many people, but you can't marry all of them, can you?

...

The kind of guy I am looking for must 1) not be too good-looking; 2) dote on me ; 3) share a similar mindset/values.

I am not sure, and in fact these days, I am more certain that I can't than I am unsure, if I can find him.

There seems to be a potential, though.

But I wonder,

if I feel that he is a potential, why didn't I imagine him as my groom? Why had I imagined someone else, someone I consciously know I won't marry?

...

Maybe this just goes to show I haven't yet got the mindset to settle down.

Maybe when I meet that one guy destined for me, I will know that feeling.

I hope I will know.

I told Toon my secret wish to become a dance instructor.

(Yes, apparently, it is not so much a secret anymore since quite a number of people know it. But I guess, it is still in many ways a secret because all my dance teachers (except Mr. Angel, whom I have told because I know he won't chide me) are aware of my intention. And I don't have plans to reveal to them at all.)

Well, as I have told Toon, I know A doesn't think too highly of me.

"I know you want to experiment. But you must get the sounds first."

Yes, mdm. I know that.

"You are different from her. She has got the sounds already. You haven't."

Yes, mdm. Rogered.

...

Toon was encouraging enough. She told me, if I practised (hard or harder), I would definitely be better than what I am now (and A wouldn't be so critical about my capabilities anymore.)

I guess she is right.

I need to practise harder to get those wings and toe pull-backs in order.

I need to.

I know I need to.

I just don't have the discipline to do it.

*shakes head in disapproval*

...

I should really start working harder.

Last night was my first Hip Hop class.

Don't ask me why I signed up. I just wanted to try out new things, I guess.

But seriously, I was really really feeling scared. It was the same scared feeling I had when I went for my first jazz dance class.

I ran into Marcus at the doorway. He said I was early.

And I told him I was going to the Hip Hop class. He gave me a "Oh"...

Class was fun. But I can't groove for nuts!

*argh* *throws an exasperated expression*

I can't groove and go "Uh-Uh-Uh"...

I can't do my wrist throws properly. Nor the points. Nor the skitters! (Is that even how it is supposed to be spelt?)

Anyway, let me add a "yet" to just all that I said I can't do.

I think there is some tecnhique involved in the grooving part. And I will just give myself some time to get it.

In the meantime, I will just have fun! ...Laughing at myself...

...

Well, and I rationalize the whole affair:

I go to class before I don't know how to do it, right?

So...I should rest my fears and just let go!

Everyone starts from somewhere...and I start from here!

"You need to let go of your lindy frame when you are doing Salsa."

Lindy frame?

I haven't got a lindy frame. If I had, I wouldn't be struggling in class already.

So if I haven't got a frame, then what frame have I to let go of?

It is my follow problem. Not a lindy problem!

*sigh*

I think I suck as a dancer. I really think so.

(Which is why for now, I can only contend myself to be a dancer-wannabe.)

Why do some people have an easier time than others?

I guess it goes the same with the academic endeavours we had while in school. Some people grasp the concepts better, faster, and are able to apply it with more ease and confidence. Others take longer--they have to fork in more effort.

Well, with regard to the genre of dance, I guess I am of the latter. I need to put in more effort than other people. And the worst thing is, I am not even putting in the effort!

*sigh*

Relax your elbows when you are dancing!

I don't like it when guys use the comment "good girl" on me.

I mean, how often do you use that on somebody?

Maybe if you are a guy, you probably don't like it because "good boy" sounds like a command for a dog.

That would be a legitimate reason.

To me, on the other hand, "good girl" is supposed to be used only by my darling. Yes, it is one of those "For exclusive use only" terms. For me, at least.

So when he said "good girl" yesterday, I can't help but get a bad feeling.

And then when he was commenting "Oooooooo...Nice tattoo!" I almost fainted. (I am not sure if he pulled down my collar or not.)

Why doesn't he say that to the other girls in class?

He just says "Good, T!". "Good, S!" but he doesn't say "good girl, T (or S)!"

*pouts*

Yes, I think I am overly sensitive. Yes, I think so, really.

But I really have a bad feeling.

Let's see. Hopefully my bad feeling is overly exaggerated.

You know what. Maybe he is gay! He seems like one to me!

...

I met him in Church on Sunday.

It was the usual greeting.

And then when we said "Peace" to each other, it was the usual hugs.

We have been hugging each other for a long time, since I started coming to church.

When we were together, he used to kiss me after we hugged.

And then for a while, there weren't any of the romantic kisses.

Yes, that was the period of time when our relationship was rocky.

But he kissed me again on Sunday. Well, that wouldn't be too exact. He just kissed my hair.

That kind of startled me. Clearly, I wasn't expecting it. Really.

What does it mean when a guy kisses your hair?

I don't know. I guess except for concern and affection for a friend, I am not prepared to hear of anything else.

...

I was asked if I had a boyfriend.

Frankly, I thought it was quite weird of him to ask. We weren't close friends; we were merely acquitances.

(Not to say that acquitances can't ask; it just didn't cross my mind that he will be interested.)

Anyway, when I told him I wasn't attached, he asked, "Why?"

Huh?

This type of question how to answer?

Why am I single? Why am I not attached?

I don't know, frankly.

And I told him, I can't find the right guy.

How true is that, I don't know. I only know that seemed like the most reasonable answer.

Hmmmm...

So why am I still single?

Because..until I find a guy whom I am comfortable with, and I know is comfortable with me, I don't want to make the commitment.

It is too much a time commitment. It is also a tedious effort commitment.

...

I once told myself in a mood of jest...if I get attached by this year, I will go get my belly pierced.

Right now, I am so tempted to pierce it that I can't be bothered about this innocent pact anymore.

Not that it is supposed to matter anyway.

I do wonder if I can get attached ever.

I haven't been able to meet anybody suitable.

...

Maybe being single is my calling. Maybe...

I may be jumping to conclusions, but for all you know, I may be right.

And rather than be raising my hopes in disillusion, I would rather be disappointed now.

He asked her out for dinner.

He danced with her many many times.

All right.

He messaged her at the end and don't know say what la.

I think she is the kind of gal he would want to look for.

So...

I am not telling anymore.

I have been praying for a sign on whether I should just say what I feel...even though I honestly ain't very sure of what I am feeling.

After tonight...

I know I won't say it.

...

The fact is that they are more compatible. The fact is that they are more similar.

...

The fact is that he wasn't the first person on my mind when I had a bad day today, so why am I even thinking about him?

...

There is somebody whom I have been talking to, who has been faithfully following my mood swings, who has tried to be there for me whenever I need someone to be there.

And all I had on my mind was to walk out of him.

Because I self-righteously claim that we are not a couple, and that no emotions have been invested yet.

Because I so thought he is not as brilliant as this new chap from the block who seems to be more similar to the guy I have been looking for.

How real are perceptions? How real can they become?

Many perceptions...are often a product of the imagination.

I think the new chap is great because I think he can give me the kind of relationship that I want...

Detachment. Independence.

But I forgot,

with detachment and independence comes loneliness, something which I most certainly do not want in a relationship.

Maybe after all,

destiny dictates things beyond comprehension.

Maybe after all,

his appearance is meant to make me realize the virtues of the other guy.

Maybe after all,

this episode is meant to remind me to concentrate on the more important things in my life.

Boyzone Everyday I Love you

I don't know but I believe

That some things are meant to be

And that you'll make a better me

Everyday I love you

I never thought that dreams came true

But you showed me that they do

You know that I learn somethng new

Everyday I love you

'Cos I believe that destiny

Is out of our control (don't you know that I do)

And you'll never live until you love

With all your heart and soul.

It's a touch when I feel bad

It's a smile when I get mad

All the little things I am

Everyday I love you

Everyday I love you boy

Everyday I love you '

Cos I believe that destiny

Is out of our control (don't you know that I do)

And you'll never live until you love

With all your heart and soul

If I asked would you say yes?

Together we're the very best

I know that I am truly blessed

Everyday I love you

And I'll give you my best

Everyday I love you

_____________________________________________________________________

Westlife If I let you go

Day after day time pass away

And I just can't get you off my mind

Nobody knows I hide it inside

I keep on searching but i can't find

The courage to show to letting you know

I've never felt so much love before

And once again I'm thinkin' about

Takin' the easy way out

But if I let you go I will never know

What my life would be holding you close to me

Will I ever see you smiling back at me oh yeah

How will I know if I let you go

Night after night I hear myself say

Why can't this feeling just fade away

There's no one like you you speak to my heart

It's such a shame we're worlds apart

I'm too shy to ask I'm to too proud to lose

But sooner or later I've gotta choose

And once again I'm thinkin' about taking the easy way out

But if I let you go I will never know

What my life would be holding you close to me

Will I ever see you smiling back at me oh yeah

How will I know if I let you go

If I let you go, oh baby oooh

Once again I'm thinkin' about takin' the easy way out

But if I let you go I will never know

What my life would be holding you close to me (close to me)

Will I ever see you smiling back at me oh yeah

How will I know if I let you go

I don't think it is love that drew me to you.

I am quite sure it isn't love.

It is just this feeling...of knowing, of feeling that you could be the one I have been searching for for a long time.

I can't say for sure because I don't know myself.

How do I explain it?

I can't put it into words.

It is just that feeling. That feeling that you might just be the one I am looking for.

The fact is, I have never come across anyone who have the same interests as I do. And I mean the exact same interests.

The fact is, I have never thought I would ever be able to find someone like you. I really had believed so.

You know that feeling?

No. My heart doesn't flutter. I am just happy. I am just delighted.

It is just that.

But I want something more.

I want to cuddle in your arms and be able to hold you tight.

I want to feel your breath and dance together till the moon come out.

I want to travel with you to the Sahara Desert and write my novel there.

But...

I don't know if I should ask you.

Because...I don't want to scare you.

But if I don't ask, I will never know,

I will never know, if you would say yes.

And if I don't ask, I will never know,

I will never know what my life would be holding you close to me.

And if I don't ask, I will never know,

If we could have been possible. If destiny is really out of our control.

After I met R, I thought I will not be so easily drawn to anyone anymore. I thought R has anchored me, or my feelings at least.

But when I saw you, hhmmm, let's just say I don't know if I am attracted to you. I just thought you were very good-looking. All right, I just thought I like how you look.

And then when I asked for your name and you teased me with that, I kind of enjoyed talking to you even more. I find myself laughing unconsciously when I dance with you.

*thinks aloud* Maybe it is the usual infatuation. Keyword: Usual.

But last night, when I heard about the things that you do, I find myself drawn into your world.

Let's just say, I have never imagined being able to meet somebody like you. Somebody who likes travel AND dance. Somebody who can live his life the way he wants it. Somebody who doesn't lead his days listening to what other people dictate. Somebody who really have a mind of his own.

Somebody so like me.

You just take my breath away.

I find myself wanting to find out about you. But I hadn't dared. I don't want to be disappointed, I guess. I don't want to hear that you already have a financee waiting for you, or a girlfriend whom you are going to marry.

But subcionsciously, I think I kind of know what kind of partner you are looking for. A similarly independent one. Someone who has a mind of her own, who knows what she wants from her life.

You simply amaze me with your life. Your travel adventures: Your durian spree in Malaysia; Your backpacking trip to China; Your driving trip in San Francisco; Your trip in Japan. Your life: How you make time to blade; to dance; to grab hold of the latest available travel deal.

I am impressed by your passion towards travel. And you know what. The lists you have drawn up is something I had wanted to do for a long time but never made the initiative to do it.

I want to know you better.

Will you give me the chance?

Or will you dismiss me on the premises that I am a little girl?

Last night's class was pretty all right, apart for the fact that we didn't learn additional steps to the choreography, which made me wonder if the teacher was skiving.

We did turns last night.

The teacher (I believe his name is Marcus) said I spotted while turning, but I could be sharper in my turn.

All right. Point noted.

My jazz walk is still wonky, but I am working on it. I need to remember to maintain a low c.g. and be on bended knees the whole time.

Point noted.

Stronger arms! No limping ones! Don't drop them!

Power! Follow the line! Energy is supposed to radiate from the arms!

Use your hips to sashay in the walk!

Use your back! It will make a whole lot of difference when you start engaging them!

Oki. Oki. I will remember.

...

Nearing the end of the lesson, Marcus told us that we must practise if we want to improve.

Yes, I know what he means. Because just with that one practice that I had on Mon, I felt so much more confident during class.

And yes, I want to improve. I want to, I want to, I want to.

...

I didn't practise today. I am tired.

I will resume tomorrow.

I must be disciplined enough to resume tomorrow.