It was just a normal comment. Another normal exchange over MSN.

But it was enough to make me realize just what I needed to know.

It is funny how God sends such little messages across the span of our daily life activities. Well, I can't say for sure God meant for that as an answer to my question but it seems to make sense.

What was I thinking about when I thought about telling him how I feel?

I was assuming that...we could be possible? I was assuming he felt something for me?

What if my assumptions were wrong? What if...

What if I have always been looked upon only as a good friend?

...

You see. I have always thought he did things for me because he likes me.

Ha.

Maybe I overrated myself. Well, I guess...

But I learnt last night that wasn't the case. Whatever he has done for me, would be whatever he would do for anyone who he looks upon as a friend.

Those handphone greetings. The advice.

The lozenges. The book.

It is a good gesture that he cares so much for his friends. At the same time, it is enough for me to know just what I need to do.

...

Stop thinking so much.

Stop thinking about the question he has posed to me because there is no point thinking about it.

Why bother at all? Why lose sleep over it?

...Gosh. I can't believe I am no naive.

...

He said I am easily touched. I really can't help but agree.

Because I am so easily touched, I mistook his gestures. Well, shame on me. Shame shame on me.

...

I don't think I need a person to look after me.

And no, I don't think I need another person in my life right now.

Although yes, I do crave for a shoulder sometimes. And sometimes, a hug.

But no, I don't need a guy to give me that.

Whatever is meant to be, will come eventually.

...

Maybe he is not the one for me after all.

Hee. Contradictory le, me.

Ye, that is me. Like it or not. Me. Contradictory. Me. Temperamental. Me. Jovial. Me.

All I can say right now is I feel comfortable with you around.

Is that enough?

I don't know.

Let's just say, I wasn't expecting what I heard that Christmas night.

Yes yes, it is a pleasant surprise, but I just wasn't expecting it.

I guess it was actually pretty obvious already; it was just I trying to be oblivious.

I mean, how was I to know? You are always so frivolous with your words. How was I to know when you mean it and when you don't? The best strategy is then to ignore. All the time.

Which I have been doing, and am getting quite good at it.

Like the time I ignored you when you ask if I was going to leave you behind when I go overseas.

Or the time you asked me what 'we' were doing together that weekend.

Or the time you said you wanted to invite me back home for dinner more often.

I don't know what other occassions there were. I only know each time, I just ignored you.

Oh yes, and when you asked me if I only treated you as a casual friend.

...

You asked me to go consider what I would hope we would become.

You said you more or less have an answer in your heart already. It is just not time yet to tell me.

You wanted to know what I thought.

I...

I...

I...

Like now, I still don't know.

It is not that I don't know what I would hope we would become. It is just that I am scared of the what we would become.

I think all this time, especially after that heartbreaking affair I have, and the heart-to-heart talk I have with you, I have come to suppress my feelings.

For you.

Whatever you have done, I have just passed it off merely as acts of kindness for a friend.

Although everyone tells me not.

Although I am also aware of the fact that you are surpassing what you would do for a friend.

...

When is the right time?

I don't know. Really, I don't.

I only know I like your company.

And I appreciate the times you miraculously am always available whenever I am going through thge hard patch.

And the way we have been leading our lives thus far: communicating through msn and sms, on the phone on fridays, and occassionally meeting up during the weekends.

I know for whichever guy I get into a relationship later on, I need space, and frankly, I embrace the space you give me. The nights out for dancing and my dose of fun and sanity.

But I also know, I don't want to be a liability now.

Which is why, maybe I won't tell you how I feel yet.

Although seriously, we don't know how things can change in half a year. I may have fallen for another person, or you for another gal.

But I guess, if it is meant to be, it is meant to be.

Isn't it?

...

Let's see. Maybe I may just tell you after New Year's Day, if you remember to send me a greeting.

If not...

Then let me double-check my feelings. Because what I am sure now is that you don't even remember my birthday (but you remember your net friend's.).

Eh. I think I am confused.

Argh...

I bet I have never told you about this dream of mine.

Yes, yes, I have many dreams. It is not wrong to dream, is it?

Anyway, my dream is to be able to perform at a Salsa congress. An international Salsa Congress, to be exact.

These days, when I am at Union, I will always stare at the big screen and marvel at the dancers.

I want to be like them, one day.

I want to be on stage, solo, performing and make people marvel.

I am not sure though if it can be fulfilled. Frankly, I think I have a long long long way to go.

But that's my secret dream, anyway.

It is not that I can't spin. That is something I am proud of.

Unlike the rest last night who couldn't even get started on their spinning, I could start off quite well.

Even SN was commenting that I spin pretty well. That really made me kind of happy.

Although I was sure there was a problem somewhere...It was only during the time that all of us were 'tested' by SC that I realized what my problem is.

According to him, I can't finish my spin in time. As a result, I compromised by retreating my back into the lead's arms.

This cause me to become 'heavy'.

So I guess, the only way that I could become less 'heavy' is to finish in time.

...

Honestly, I am quite discouraged.

I think of the many leads who have danced with me and suffered in silence, and I can't help but feel apologetic. I must have given them a hard time.

I wonder when I will learn to activate my core, and stabilize myself.

I wonder if I will ever learn to activate my core.

...

(I have been distracted by this issue ever since last night. As of now, I still cannot find a solution.)

(Sigh. At moments like this, I really wonder, if my dream is attainable at all.)

I was quite startled when he asked me "So, what are we doing next week?"

Huh? Next week? What next week?

Was I supposed to see him next week? I didn't know that.

But I couldn't say that, could I? That would be very rude, and yes, that will make him very embarassed.

So I just gave him a blank look and said I have no idea. And he said he will think of something.

All right.

...

We had an enjoyable afternoon together.

I had invited him for some drumming session. Frankly, I hadn't expected him to want to go.

So when he said he was interested, I was kind of surprised.

At the end of the session, he said he enjoyed himself thoroughly. Now, that was a good thing to hear.

...

In the midst of the session, it suddenly struck me that we might really turn out to be possible.

I was suddenly thinking about L, how it would have been impossible for him to be there to drum with me.

And there was, this guy here, who have been nice and acomodating and caring and patient.

At that moment, I kind of understood the kind of love I was looking for.

I want a couplehood with space and comfort. I want time out for myself to do the things I want to do.

I don't need the kind of relationship which requires us to spend time together all the time.

And I don't need a person who cannot understand me. I don't need him to like the things I like, but he has to at least appreciate the reason why I like those things.

...

It could really be him.